The First Monday of the Holidays

After all the buildup, the holidays are finally here, and suddenly, I find myself lounging about with nothing to do. Well, I do have things to do of course, but I don't feel like touching them just yet.

First, a recap of the weekend. I watched the Canterbury Tales on Saturday night, and it was really quite funny and lively. I don't know if the artistic licence used brightened the Tales up more than they already are, but in any case I think the production did a great job in bringing out the boisterous, cheeky, and downright sexual flavour of Chaucer's works. It was a nice way to end the evening.

Then on Sunday we celebrated my father's birthday with a huge chocolate banana cake from Secret Recipe. It definitely weighs more than a kilo, and the height is just awesome. Next year, I shall get my black forest cake from there. At night we ate seafood at the Kallang riverfront. I wanted chilli crabs, but my brother sulked as usual and we had to switch to a crab cooked with garlic and spring onions. Still palatable, but I've been wanting to try a nice chilli crab for so long. The last time I ate one is beyond my memory.

It started on Friday, after training, or maybe even earlier, and since then I've been daydreaming about the team (our team) going head to head with rj in the nationals semis and beating them to face ac in the finals. It's a strange fantasy anyway, one that can never be fulfilled. But you know, after watching all the sports teams play their hearts out this season, I wish I was back in the July of last year. And whenever my mind goes back to that time I imagine all of us sitting on stage in an intense debate against rj (why rj? I think it's partly becos I'm tired of debating against our usual friends, and I'd like to save ac for the finals), and we're opp, since we've always been better at opp. It's a very close match, and we split the judges 3-2, but for the first time we actually win the damned split! Doesn't matter what the motion is, in fact, the whole dream involves me taking much of the limelight, haha, but then Owen delivers a stunning blow after Suhas's own brilliant speech, and I round up the reply with a flourish. Everything is pitch perfect, the style, the content, the argumentation. Our teamline is consistent through all three speakers. Prop puts up a good defence but they cannot quite reply effectively to one nagging point which we exploit and mercilessly blow up in their faces. Ah, sweet victory.

But alas, we all know our glory days are over. Time to fade into the shadows, buckle down and study hard. Oh, but for that moment, that one moment, we actually had the chance.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

This afternoon's rain has sort of placed me in a quieter, subdued, reflective mode. I love the rain when I'm nicely tucked into bed at home, but not when I'm out. Let me take the opportunity to thank Vicks and Jeremy here for running back to school and out again to get umbrellas for us, even at the risk of physical injury, as Jeremy suffered, and getting drenched, as Vicks suffered. Thank you guys!

So anyway as I was saying I'm now in this quiet reflective mode which I suspect is not too unlike a feeling of sleepiness. But I feel a need to think about my spiritual life in general, which has not been progressing smoothly recently. It's a bad tendency that I have, slipping into nonchalence for long periods of time, kind of wallowing about in lukewarmness. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy, other times I'm too timid. I hope this holidays I can spend some time setting my affairs right.

I just remembered something by CS Lewis. "We have never told the whole truth. We may confess ugly facts, but the tone is false. The very act of confessing - an infinitesimally hypocritical glance - a dash of humour - all this serves to dissociate the facts from yourself." It's at times like this when I remember the true meaning of those words and realise how acute Lewis was in his observations of self. And of course, he's right. How well I know that. It's an ugly truth.

Well, I'm off to dinner. I think a fault of mine is that I can never hold long periods of self-reflection. Or maybe I don't want to. Oh well, I'll leave it to God.

Waiting for the bell to ring

All my lessons have practically degenerated into exercises in patience. I sit there waiting for the bell to ring. The days are becoming so leisurely and frankly, dull, that we spend our time daydreaming of the possibilities available to us come Friday. Ahh, Friday, will it ever come? I dislike the looming prospect of the PC test tomorrow. It's like this untimely obstacle in the way of my path to the weekend. I wish I could get it over and done with as soon as possible. Other than that the rest of the week should be fine. I want to watch X3, and I hope it can be this Friday.

I still don't know what I should do about tomorrow. I'm undecided about going for the hockey girls finals, or to stay for debates. In the first place I don't know if I can skip debates. There are things to discuss... Anyway, I think that Owen should get a service award for debates too, so there, I'm making my stand official here. It's unfair to recognise only one person's efforts in a cca simply because the cca happens to be very small. What if another person did just as much work? (I'm still inclined to think that I've done more work though, hehe...) So, anyway, I wish Jill and co. all the best for their match tomorrow. Hope they win!

I realise NS talk makes me depressed. I don't know how it started, but our conversation somehow drifted into the army as we waited for history makeup. It's really unnerving and gloomy to think about the prospect of entering two years of regimentation, physical hardship, trauma, filth, mud, soil, sand, rain. I wonder if the nation is worth dying for, really. All my life I've always placed NS in a corner of my mind whenever the topic comes up, because I don't want to face it, and anyway it always seemed far away. Now, I'm left with roughly six months of freedom, depending on my performance in Napfa. Oh, the misery.

Let's look at brighter things! I'm home! Nice and dry! My bed seems comfy, and later on I'll snuggle up in it. The food is on the table, the TV dispenses entertainment. Ha, the comforts of home.

It is the last week of school. Yes, the final frontier to cross before we can reach that blessed period of rest, if indeed it can be called rest. I think the June break needs to be renamed. It's not the holidays, it's something else, like extra lessons time. But in any case, I want that break from the regular routine.

On Saturday I went down to watch the team debate at the semis. I don't want to comment too much on that here. I've said much more elsewhere. Then after that I went down to orchard to catch the Da Vinci Code. Interesting movie. I've always been a sucker for conspiracy theories. They bring some mystery into my life. I realise that's why I like adventure stories or thrillers. I like the feeling of being compelled to turn the next page to find out more.

I think I'll go sleep for a while. Then do the SBQ. ugh.

After a valiant attempt to resist returning to me, my watch now sits safely at home. Let me tell you the adventure. I went to Wheelock Place with Dai Wei to collect the watch. So we took the lift up to the eighth floor, but I didn't see and we ended up on the ninth floor. So we decided to take the stairs down one floor. We went down, and found the door locked. So we went back to the ninth floor to take the lift down. But horror of horrors! The ninth floor door was locked! We were trapped in the stairwell! So we went down, and down, trying every door, until at last we re-emerged in the lift lobby of the first floor... Then we went up again via lift. And the rest is history.

I'm tired and sleepy now. I just want to take some rest before I do my work. Night, world.

In larger freedom

I want to thank everyone that tagged after my last post, even though I only actually read the tags on Friday. Even then I was too tired to blog, but I was quite heartened by them.

Quek: yeah, I agree with you. I'm still too afraid, or at least right now, too tired. But it shouldn't be this way, should it?

Benita: yup, pressing on, I mean, what else can we do, right? Thanks for understanding :)

Liz: well, I wasn't pinpointing you, but in any case, thanks for the congrats!

Kelly: haha, you're one of those that make life better too. Perhaps one fine day we can actually say goodbye without rushing off somewhere.

Owen: well, if I didn't think so much I wouldn't be the person you feel crippled without... but it's good having you around anyway. makes me laugh, haha.

And now onto the meat of my post. It's done, I'm done with it. All the bloody late nights working at presentations and what not are done for now. I think this has been one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I shudder to think that the worst is yet to be. Anyway, the MUN presentation was a success on Thursday, so I'm happy about that.

My Vesak Day holiday was totally burnt by what became an 8 hour meeting over the UN seminar presentation. Then yesterday was gone too, since the seminar took up the whole day. But, I'm glad to announce that at least we got 2nd place for our efforts. And, the dinner at Tony Roma's more than made up for the work. There was so much food we had to pack some home. I love Tony Roma's chicken. I absolutely love it. I know they are famous for ribs, but the chicken serving was so large and so nice that by the time I was finished with it I could only take in two ribs, which were nice too, but they didn't rock my socks off. I guess the chicken had overpowered it. In any case, I wasn't wearing socks, hahahaha! (ok that was silly)

I also attended the college play on Friday. Now that was some tricky business of rushing back and forth. I nearly broke down going home, actually. I just felt the strain was almost too much to bear. But anyway I made it home, changed, and was off again. The plays were okay, and I liked the first one better. More thought-provoking, although I believe both were supposed to do the same. Now the image of Vicks dressed up as a ma-jie will forever be engraved in my mind. As though being called one at school wasn't bad enough!

Essentially I'm left with only today free after the long weekend. But I'm still quite tired by all the events of the past few days. I titled this post "In larger freedom" because I thought it apt that the closing words of our presentation yesterday echo my sentiments now. It's all temporal though. I have two tests coming up this week, and more debate training. But this time I refuse to be bogged down by training. The juniors have exceeded my expectations over the weekend and won three debates in a row at the ACJC Debate Invitationals. So, I expect them to be more active in taking charge at meetings. I'll just leave the key with them or something.

Okay, I'm done. I'm in this pleasant state of sleepiness, the residue of an afternoon nap. Now I'll go finish off the rest of the chicken.

Get off my back

It is in the quiet solitude of the night as I walk to the bus stop that the sickness overcomes me. That damp air sticks to my skin and the tiredness washes over. As I reach the bus stop that familiar feeling of irritation takes over. It's always like this. I get charged up and excited during my activities, only to lapse into this bitter, antagonised self.

Why, I wonder, do I have to come home everyday at 8, leave for school by 6.45? People have 8 hour workdays, I have 12. It's just the whole pressure of working late, coming home, and doing more work that really gets to me. I was never quite like this. But recently my fuse is getting shorter. I swear only the presence of beni, dai wei, jeremy, bryan, musa n vicks keeps me relatively jovial and happy in school. That and the grace of God. And to be sure, it must His grace that keeps me going, because how else to explain the fact that despite the stress that's been building up over the past few months, my body refuses to fail or break down, even if I may secretly wish for it to do so and get myself a break? Compared to me my class is absolutely sickly. In fact, this is the sickliest class I've ever been in. People "fall ill" on a regular basis, or some don;t come at all because they're "sick of school". Yeah, sure, like the people who DO attend aren't sick of school.

It's rubbish you know, to hear people complain non-stop about how they can't keep up with lessons or that they don't understand. Of course you don't! How could you, when your absenteeism rate averages out to around 2 per week? And I have to put up with all this shit, and then come home to be questioned by my parents about my whereabouts. I mean, I know they're concerned, but give me a break. I'm sick to death of having to explain continually to them what MUN means, what this activity is or that. It's not like they remember anyway. Where could I be anyway? Gallivanting round Singapore? I have better things to do. And then my father tells me to stop overcommiting myself, tell the teachers I don't want to do it. Yeah sure, it'd be great if life could just stop and I could drop everything. But I can't. I've made commitments, I like what I do, and even if I don't, I can't just stop. There are others around me who are more laden with work than I am.

But of course, it's back to the same conflict. When do I stop comparing my situation to people worse off than me and start living for myself? There will always be someone poorer than you, true, but there's always someone richer than you. And one day, one fine day, I wish I could just fling out all this talk about oh, people have more stuff to do, I shouldn't complain, and get on with life. But I'm brought up this way, I have my principles. My parents would be proud, if they knew the crap I go through. I get home later than them everyday, I still have to work through essay assignments, I still pass up on time everytime, I still get respectable grades. I mean, come on, how much more can you expect from your son? There are plenty of people I know who idle their time away at home or somewhere else in school and still can't produce work on time. You know what I say to their reasons? Bullshit. Life's tough, so get on with it. Grow up, and stop whining.

By now I now I've completely contradicted my case. I've just completed what must be the longest rant/whine I've ever done on this blog. Well, I know. Judge not, lest ye be judged, how well I know that. But the steam needs to let out sometimes. So although I complain so much, at the end I know I'll just bite the bitter medicine I've just dished out and go on. What else can I do? Skip school? Dream on. I have an entire PC essay to complete, and I know that no matter how late it gets it will appear done tomorrow. So be it. That's my lot in life, I'll just have to do it, and if this post has taken up too much precious time, so be it.

On a happier note, I passed my 2.4 for the first time in JC today. Thank be to God. I'd never be able to do it without His strength. And to think about it, I'll need plenty of strength in the days to come.

It's been a while...

The fact that I have not blogged for more than a week is proof of how busy I've been. I'm quite glad that the weekend is finally here, but even in this sacred rest time work will not let its grip go: I have to spend my Saturday evening discussing a GP presentation... Of course, some will point out the pleasure of discussing such a topic in the presence of three lovely young ladies, and though I will not begrudge that fact, I'd rather have my Saturday night free of work and not meet them, than to meet and work.

I realised today that I for the whole of this week not once did I leave school when lessons ended. The next week looks set to be repeat of this. I have meetings, debate sessions, and other meetings lined up for all my afternoons, and even the whole of next Saturday will be taken up. Add to this the increasing workload and the intensifying academic schedule, and I have a pretty large amount of stress on my back. Hopefully, it's time I find the discipline and time (how ironic) to start studying seriously. Happy is he who has time to pass.

Anyway, I think I make things out to be worse than they truly are. School is still liveable, especially in the company of six other people who make the time pass faster, if not happier, than it really does. Where would I be without them? And the after school sessions aren't really school work. I mean, debating is still attractive to me, even though I fret over the j1s. Mun, well, it's fun too in a way, preparing to present. I look around the balcony and I see many people actually studying and doing far more real academic work than I am. So, I guess I need to buckle down.


I want my praises to be more than empty words, I want my intentions to translate into action, I want my will to be stronger than temptation. In fact, I want to want to overcome. I need that passion to fill me more than it ever has, and I yet I need to stop being afraid of the consequences of fire. I need to find my sense of direction again.

Memories

Two busybodies made me think about things I haven't thought about in months. It's hard to go back to a period that seems so long ago and try to recall what it was like. I probably shouldn't. But then again, bits and pieces of it are starting to fall back into place. I'm quite amazed at how far I've come, and what I've gone through. Such adventures, Isabella would say, and how marvelous while it lasted.

I actually came home with the intention of blogging about what happened at length. But now I seem to have lost the motivation to. Just a fleeting reminisence of the past I guess. It's good, though, to remember experiences. Really, there were so many things that happened that it seems funny now in hindsight. So many things to be thankful for too, haha. I think sometimes I need these things to remember the infinite wisdom of God.

Ugh, there's PE tomorrow. Not looking forward to that...

Frustration

Today started off badly. It began last night actually. The amount of work I had to complete just suddenly got to me, and I felt this huge wave of irritation, not so much sianess as compared to irritation, just sweep over me. I was fed up with work, I was fed up with debates, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to plow through another Lit essay, and at the end of it bother writing out stupid econs outlines. And then as I thought about debates it really irritated me that I had to stay back so late again. Really, what's the point when you seem to be putting the cart before the horse?

And I guess this irritation just funnelled through to the morning, and was aggravated by the numerous absentees. Why do I have to turn up day after day when plenty of people around me seem to be able to just come at their own whim and fancy? Is there a point to attending useless lectures and tutorials? Tomorrow will be a case in point. Class attendance will be abysmal, that I can foresee, and yet once again I will be there, sitting through a waste of a day supporting God knows what. I suppose I should be thankful for my excellent health, that I can continuously attend school without fail. But sometimes, like today, seeing so many self-declared holidays really makes me sick, sick of school, sick of work. I wonder really, if there is a point to coming to school. And of course I know the answer is "yes", and I know all the various justifications. I also know that my not going to school just because others don't is nonsense and is a logical fallacy. I also know that there are many other people, especially teachers, who put up with so much bullshit and nonsense from students day after day. I wonder after witnessing the ruckus in class today how they can go on teaching.

And yet, despite all of this head knowledge, heart knowledge just failed me today. I just needed an avenue to vent out my frustration, and yet I find no logical avenue to do so, or even a reason to be angry, because really, I have no justifiable cause to be angry. But I still am.

Oh well, at least training wasn't that bad. Dan Chi and her friend Jimmy came down to visit us today. Had a nice time chatting through the session. And Thursday's session doesn't sound too bad. It's strange, you know. I dreaded the training and yet I left feeling okay, even happy. I hope tomorrow will be better. I need a break.

Ignominy

I wish I could say that we went out in a blaze of glory, but the answer is far less dramatic, and far less cinematically pleasing. After one week, or maybe two weeks of hours and hours spent in school, the result was more of a crash and burn. I expected it of course, and indeed was not surprised when the results came, but the reality of defeat, and defeat at those pathetic hands, always grows once the even is past. Argh! To say more about our worthy opponents here would only increase the shame and ludicrity of that mess in my eyes.

Suffice to say, the J1s need more work, tons of work, and I'm not sure if they are getting it the right way. At the very least, I can say the BCs were an eye-opener for them, and a learning experience. That is, I HOPE it's a learning experience, and not something to forget, as they already seem to be doing.

Last year we were fortunate. I can say that for at least the past three years we have been fortunate in our intake of members. I simply cannot understand why membership is so poor this year. Perhaps the IP programmes have taken up all the experienced debaters. Ahh, but that's the reality of it. When you do well consistently, people flock to your CCA. But our debating society hardly gets publicity, regardless of performance, and there simply isn't that same culture here that you find in the top 4 schools. It's quite a marvel we've managed to hang on to our no. 5 spot for so long, given our circumstances. Well, we must make do.

Isn't it funny that I'm sitting here blogging when I have an unfinished Top Girls essay due today? ha, that's a first. I hope Mr Smith understands.

The eye of the storm

Today is like a momentary rest for me, an anomaly as my schedule moves out of two long days into a temporary peace. Tomorrow it will move back into the rest of the storm, which will continue till Saturday at least. If we make it into the quarters (Owen will here correct me by saying "when we make it into the quarters") it will mean yet another week of work. No, it won't be that bad with impromptu debates. So, hopefully we'll break through and give the J1s maximum exposure. I can't believe the ACs are coming so soon. After that I hope I can finally sit down and rest and give up my cca for my studies. In fact, I hope I don't have to take part at all.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day napping, eating, reading, or watching a movie. In the evening I'll attempt the PC assignment, or at least try to. Thank goodness the deadline's been moved back.

Okay, my bed calls...

There, but for the grace of God, go I

You may have accepted Christ as Saviour, but have you accepted Him as King? That was something that struck me today in church. Denying Christ is far easier than I thought. I don't have to verbally deny knowledge of Him. A simple action is enough. But thanks be to God, that for His grace I still stand, and countless others. I'm looking forward to Sunday!

Yesterday the urgency of the coming competitions dawned upon me. Next Saturday will be the British Council debates, and only last afternoon were the teams formed. We now have two teams entering two competitions within the space of a week, with very green J1s who can hardly deliver a prepared speech, much less an impromptu one. I also realised the imbalance of the J2s leading each team, and so I don't care what Manit says or thinks but he's going over to Owen and Dennis is coming with me. This matter of team dynamics struck me also as I walked home last night. I realised what a finely composed balance our team (the full J2 one) is. Everyone has a part. There's Manit, our perpetual Devil's Advocate; Dennis, the radical and firebrand; Mayeesha, a steadying hand and a counterbalance to Dennis; and of course Owen, our indispensible third speaker, whose point-churning mind scintillates with brilliance. I think the team would be imbalanced without even one member. What a successful combination we all were ;) Now as everyone's breaking up I hope the J1s can forge their own winning combination. We'll need it desperately. So for the whole of next week I'll be shifting into battle gear again. Hai, back to the road, but it's for a worthy cause anyway. And yesterday's training got my blood pumping.

There are so many things happening around me now I just hope I can keep up with them all. Every weekend seems so precious now haha. Oh, and Tedric was released from camp for today. Seeing his shaven crown is just another reminder of time catching up. *shakes head.

Passing Time

I like what Ker Han wrote on his blog. It's true and quite funny:

School is an quick detour through youth. It takes away those precious carefree moments and replaces them with worries of the future and the troubles of the adult world. Yes, school is a transitional period where we age considerably.

So school matures us, though a little too fast.

Just something that caught my eye. But it's true anyway. How else to mature other than through school? Although I suspect one could learn equally much, and perhaps more, through the school of hard knocks. Really hard knocks.

So, I'm in school now trying to pass time till 5 when I have to go for an MUN meeting. Still have to prepare the presentation... But it's fun anyway, and I like the people there. After this I shall go read a book in the library, although I really should be trying to catch up on my s-paper reading...

I'm half-looking forward to tomorrow. Looking forward because it will be the last day of the school week, not looking forward because the afternoon will be long and complicated. I have s-paper training, and then debate meeting. It appears that the NUS Challenge Shields wasn't my last competition. Because of the severe lack of credible J1s, the J2s have to beef up the teams going into the British Council debates and the Jurong JC debates later this month. Yes, debating is my love, but lately it's just lost its luster for me. All this admin work and research is getting on my nerves. I wish I could just turn up at a meeting and debate and not care about anything else. But these are the responsibilities of being president...

I can't wait for the weekend. I need a break from school to reflect on the wonder of the Cross once more, to rest in the shadow of Him who gave all so that all might be saved.

To my books!

Heavy duty in the morning

I realised with great clarity last night the fact that I hardly practise what I preach. And it left me with a rather empty feeling, because I seem hypocritical even to myself. And I also noted this intense desire not to ever admit defeat, even as I try to impress upon others the "logic" of my points.

This morning my mother was talking to me and even as I gave my two cents worth I felt as though much of what I said was head knowledge, not something I truly knew by heart. My life seems pretty skewed to me.

Maybe my love has been too critical and harsh. And I think its become mixed up with my desire to be right all the time.


Anyway, Tedric's going off to the army today. Seeing him off later!

ooh I've got quite a few tags to reply to, so I'll do it now.

bobochacha: umm.... This is quite embarrassing but I'm not sure who you are.... Identify yourself too! Are you Shirley? cos Landy's blog has your name on the link to your blog.

Owen: Then let them come. I fear them not, haha

Jeremy: Thank you, Jeremy! And I think you're adorable haha

Dai Wei: We're all unhappy puppies. With Owen and me we're both aggrieved parties haha

Adrienne: Told you so! Can't believe you thought it wasn't your type of show...

Benita: My pleasure!

Kelly: Stop grumbling about it Kelly... How shall I put it, it's natural. Although it's not always a good thing to be this skinny for a guy...

Owen: hmm, no... altho if thats really the case then it would be a delightful irony.

Behold! My new blog template! I think it suits me quite well, and incorporates elements of the vague design I had in mind, like the letter or journal style. So I want to say a big thank you to Benita for finding and doing up the template for me :) I really appreciate it!

So, last night was the Life Concert. I thought it was okay, and as I stood on the second floor and looked down I had a sense of the beauty of seeing a sea of worshippers praising God in unison. Being an usher was also quite interesting.

I'm really quite tired now. I've been walking around in school in a slightly listless state. Just not enough energy I guess. I'll go have a nap soon.

Drums in the deep

I got back my GP results today, and to put it in Mrs Tan's words, I'm not a happy puppy. I'm quite upset about the sharp drop in my grades, firstly on a personal level, secondly on a relative level. I won't talk anymore about it because I'll sound terribly egotistical, which is quite true unfortunately, and because I should be grateful for whatever marks I've gotten. They aren't too bad anyway, all things being considered. In fact, I should really be grateful that my overall grades for BT1 are fairly satisfactory considering the fact that I felt that I hadn't put in enough effort when preparing for it.

A few interesting things occured today that got me thinking about the nature of friendship. It's such a large garbled mess of issues that no post I write here could do it justice. I don't even know what advice to give, apart from listening, because listening is such an essential part of friendship. I wonder how many times I've failed to listen to my friends, or even take time out to spend quality time with them. And at the end of the whole matter, I think the best thing to do is to pray, as always. I think honesty is absolutely vital in a friendship, and two-way communication. It's best probably that things are out in the open now, and where the friendship goes from here depends very much upon willingness to accept each other's differences and cope with them and move on.

In other news, I pray for real patience and grace to handle others around me. Lord, grant me the grace, the patience and the serenity in dealing with people. Help me to be patient even when I get irritated. In fact, help me not to get irritated so easily.

In Spring

What does love do? Love seeks the good of the beloved, and if the beloved is not at a stage where Love can love unhindered, corrections must be made. This necessitates a certain amount of pain to be inflicted upon the beloved, until such time where the beloved becomes truly loveable. Such a process of Love can only be said to be truly altruistic and good for the beloved if the final stage the beloved reaches is not only loveable to Love, but also that it is the only way the beloved could ever achieve happiness.

Ramblings on Eternal Love... But what of our normal day-to-day relations? It struck me again when I was reading during the weekend that love always seeks the good of the beloved. A father may love his toddler son even if he falters in his first few steps, but ultimately, no father will be satisfied till his son develops the stride of a man. So Love forgives much, but is satisfied with little.

I find a great sense of beauty and sweetness in the love and attraction between a young man and a young woman. No, I am not in love, before anybody starts. It's just that recently I've noted with a certain amount of pleasure the simple delight of seeing a young couple in love, or even just a lone youth waiting to declare his love. Adult relationships lack the sweetness and bliss of youth in my eyes. It is ironic then, that I was telling my mother how I dislike the typical youthful freshfaced eagerness of youth that results in much folly, when she commented on how serious I always look. That exact freshfaced eagerness of youth is what, to me, makes youthful relationships sparkle with the sweet romance that smacks of spring in Paris. No wonder I smile with the revelation that my cousin is in love. And how, for the dear boy wishes to propose in a couple of years. Instantly I think it is silly, but of course, for a dash of youthful presumptousness, can I not forgive his brashness? if indeed it is brash?


I wish I knew what to do. No one else can claim the honour of irritating me so.

Woe and alas! And great was the fall thereof.

He ain't heavy?

I am frustrated and angry. I have never heard such ridiculous reasoning in my life. I cannot understand how someone can continually place cca above studies, can continually do badly in his exams, and yet keep slacking off. Each time the results come home he promises to work hard in the future, but of course, the vicious cycle continues, no visible change can be seen. What should I do? Should I even be worried? I'm mad, pissed off by his attitude, which always blames everyone around him for giving him a sucky attitude, without ever questioning WHY anyone would give him that kind of attitude in the first place! There is no action without a cause, and franky, everyone is getting fed up with his seeming nonchalent attitude towards academia. His whole life seems to revolve around his cca.

He asked why I was so angry with him. I told him the reason. He said I had no right to be angry, since it doesn't concern me and he thinks it extremely odd that I should bother myself with his grades. Odd?? Unnatural?? It is the most natural thing in the world! What's unnatural is the fact that he thinks I shouldn't care, and that other people are justified in doing so, but not me. Because it doesn't concern me. It doesn't concern them too! Of course, the greatest irony is that he doesn't seem to give a damn either.

I'm so frustrated that he's so short sighted and self-centred and lazy. I can't help but be angry and irritated. I'm at my wits end. And I really need to let off steam.